Hallelujah!!!

I've made up my mind! Forewarning this is will be a very long post! I'll try my best to explain but feel free to call and ask questions.

As every one knows, i have been in a rut this last month or so. Today i finally climbed out!!!

I struggled with if I should go on a mission or stay home. My true desire was/is to stay home and figure out school and earn money and set up my future life and get it started. I have and will always desire the next thing to happen in life. I love growing up. You will never hear me say, "man I wish I could go back to high school, or man being a grown up sucks and I wish I could stay a teenager or kid forever." I loved every age of life so far. I will always be looking for the next stage with excitement. I can't wait to reach the next point. I blame it on being the youngest and watching my siblings with their lives and me wanting to be just like them. Example... Kim as three kids! WOW crazy! I can't even imagine having one! However, being in Hawaii and watching Kim and learning how to become an AMAZING mom like her, I can't wait to have three kids and be like "hey Kim, remember these days?" Or watching Kerri with Kaci and learning and remember how to be just as cool, and watching and listening to their struggles with school and figuring out where to go next or what to do next. I want to be in their shoes. Some say, "a mission is part of the next stage too." However, I want the marriage life. From the time I can remember, if anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said, "a mom!" that desire will never go away.

I wanted to serve a mission for many reasons.
1) I wasn't sure where life was heading and I'd be 21 so a mission could be good
2) I felt the Lord wanted me to serve a mission
3) After much struggle and thought... I wanted to bring the gospel to others and serve them
4) I wanted to live someone new and experience a different life for awhile
5) It would make me a better person
6) I could go on and on but 5 is enough=]

All of these things are great and I know that. I know going would be amazing and hard but worth it. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to follow the Lord and listen and obey. That's why I was struggling. After a lot of talks and advice from all, I still struggled. I knew I wanted to stay and move out and figure out school and live on my own. But, I didn't know if it was a rightoues desire to give up going on a mission. I wanted to do the right thing for my life. I didn't want to go down the path I wanted if it wasn't the path the Lord wanted for me.

After talking to the stake president, I finally felt comfort in the fact that the Lord trusts me. No matter what I do or where I go this next year, I know that now He knows I will be trying my best and doing the right things. A line from my patriarchal blessing which has brought me a lot of comfort this last week states, "Krystal, the Lord loves you and what is more important He trusts you. He trusts you for what you are now and for what you will become." I want to stay. The Lord is ok with that. Yes, He'd be pleased if I served a mission, but He still will be pleased if I stay home as well.

Another thing that I struggled with was this line. "In the not to distant future, you will be able to go to the temple to have your own endowments, to perhaps be sealed to someone for time and eternity." I've taken this line so many different ways. It has never sat right with me. It has always made me apprehensive. I never knew what it meant.. Did it mean i was going to get married? Did it mean I was to go on a mission? Did it mean neither of the two? WHAT DOES IT MEAN!!??! But that's the beauty of it. I realized, with the help of my stake president, who I know is a mouth piece for the Lord, that I will go to the temple and receive my endowments. I get to pick if its for a mission, or for being married, or if I just feel its time. Its up to me. He worded it so that I could figure it out on my own.

This last month has been very hard for me. Lots of emotions, lots of struggle, lots of misunderstandings, lots of tears. But I have also had, lots of love, lots of studying, lots of growing experiences,lots of knowledge, lots of comfort, lots of tender mercies.

With the downs come the ups.

I am staying home. The EMT program didn't work out sadly, but I'm on to the next thing. What that is, I don't know. I just know that I'm staying and I'm excited to figure it out. I'm excited to make plans and not be uneasy about them! I'm excited to finally apply to nursing school! I'm excited to (yes I want to come out, we'll see if it works out) go see kerri and brad in virgina! I'm excited to plan Sylvia's bridal shower (i'm the maid of honor!) and know that I will be here for it and the wedding! I'm just plain excited to have my mind made up. So happy! So ready for the struggles of finding a place to live, finding a new job, working out regularly agian, and training or attempting to train for half marathons and such! I have NO clue how its going to work, or whats going to come along now, I just know I'm staying and am content with that!

Another big thing in my life is BRUCE! I love him dearly. He is my true best friend. Plain and simple, he means more to me then I have ever imagined a person can mean to someone else. He was there through it all. He held me as I cried my eyes out. He sat and listened to me rant and rave. He sat there while I didn't want to talk or move. He played when I just need to play and not talk. He held back his emotions as I said good bye. He remained my friend even though I said "nope i'm done." He never pressured me in anyway. He was always there to give advice when needed. He was there to help me figure it out. He was there for my downs and for the ups. He is still here.

We as a couple, know that we will be sealed together for all time and eternity. What we don't know is when. We both are lost and confused on how our lives are working out. Most say, "get married and figure it out together. its just going to change when you get hitched!" We both know that we need to find ourselves. We also know we need each other in order us figure it out because we wont be able to without the other. We are each others other halves. But the marriage thing just isn't part of the cards as of now. We are both ok with that. As much as we just want to go against our better judgment and say here is our date we're going for it, we both know that we need this time as best friends to help us grow closer together without the stress of "real life" pushing on us. Also, we have only been dating for like almost 4 months. We are still discovering each other and the multiple layers that we both have. We know that we are each others eternal companions. We know it. No doubt with either of us. We both have had a confirmed positive from the Lord. What we have also had is a wait answer on our date.

When we know, you'll know. For now, bruce and krystal are best friends. That will never change. Only thing that will change is we'll will be married and sealed and start producing little bruce's and krystal's in the future. We don't know when that will be, but it will be someday!

Thanks to all for being around during my ever changing mind and plans. Thanks for all the advice. I took each piece of advice to heart. Even if I didn't like it, or if I didn't want to listen to it. Every one and everything helped me grow more then I ever have. Sorry for those who were excited about me serving a mission. One thing I've picked up on a lot though is, Every member a missionary! Very true, and one thing I will be working on.

This is my story. Hope you enjoyed the ride! I'm sure there will be LOTS more to come =]